Magwatch is always happy when somebody has a baby.
Illustration Simon Letch
Magwatch is always happy when somebody has a baby. It's not our loins being stretched to buggery and a weak pelvic floor.
This week OK! reveals that Ashton Kutcher's offspring Wyatt is "very cute". This comes from Kutcher's former wife Demi Moore's daughter Rumer Willis, who "saw photos of her".
Magwatch is, frankly, enormously relieved.
Genetically blessed: Ashton Kutcher's got a cute baby. Photo: AFP
Imagine if Willis, seeing the images, had stumbled back in abject horror, eyes terrified and hands scrabbling desperately at the door handle, before shouting "So ... hideously ... ugly" and "Please, I beg you, save me from the unshaven spawn of Sasquatch!"
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A different take for OK! with its story, certainly.
OK! also reports that Jennifer Aniston loves her fiancée Justin Theroux because his "eyes are so pretty", he "paints murals" and he buys her jeans. "I've never had a man be able to buy me jeans," she says.
Magwatch is very happy for Aniston but does wonder what process is required for a man to buy her jeans.
What Magwatch thinks is required for a man to buy Jennifer Aniston jeans: 1. Man takes jeans to the till. 2. Man offers cash or card to pay. 3 Man takes jeans in bag which he carries for Aniston, because he is a gentleman (she's no fool).
Wild theories on what is required for a man to buy Jennifer Aniston jeans: 1. She only buys jeans on the moon. 2. Her jeans are made from particles currently in the Hadron Collider. 3. She doesn't like jeans.
NW's cover story "Kardashians bare all! What they really look like without make-up" reveals five bare-faced women and some guff about their "fears" of being seen outside without foundation etc.
Magwatch is more interested in the "what they really look like" and has decided, in the spirit of this ridiculous article, that, slap-free, they really look like Clint Eastwood. Without lipstick.